Do you all remember the movie, "The Good Son?" A 1993 psychological thriller starring two young boys, Henry (played by Macaulay Culkin) and Mark Evans (played by Elijah Wood). Mark goes to stay with his cousin(s), Henry seemingly perfect and charming and his family. Mark discovers that Henry is a disturbed and dangerous child who has a propensity for violence and manipulation and eventually tries to find a way to protect himself and his family from Henry's sinister intentions. The movie seems to deep dive into morality, family dynamics, and the nature of evil. Have you ever looked at your son, nephew, cousin, brother, or uncle and felt their propensity for evil, violence and manipulation. It’s not only traits found in males, but females can also be just as bad as depicted in the movie, “The Crush.” Also, a psychological thriller about a journalist named Nick Eliot who rents a guesthouse from a wealthy family then becomes the target of their 14-year-old daughter, Adrian who has borderline personality disorder. Adrian is infatuated with him and becomes increasingly obsessed, escalating to the point of becoming dangerous leading to a thrilling and suspense as she proceeds to sabotage Nick’s life after he refuses her sexual advances. There are many parents, siblings, and relatives who carry this type of Karmic energy as I piggyback off my last blog entry about karma!
In want to explore the difficult topic of karmic children which is taboo in the black community. Publicly and historically, there’s been cases like Caligula, Roman Emperor known for his cruel and erratic behavior, including murdering, and torturing innocent people for his own amusement. Ivan the Terrible IV Tsar of Russia infamous for his violent outbursts and brutal treatment of his own family members, including killing his own son in a fit of rage. Joachim II, Elector of Brandenburg known for his mistreatment of his wives and children, including physically abusing them and subjecting them to psychological torment. Louis XIV, King of France known for his lavish lifestyle and extravagant spending, often at the expense of his subjects who suffered from poverty and famine. Then there’s the nutty buddy Menendez brothers who admittedly killed their parents. One thing all these accounts have in common is gratification. Their main goal is to gain power and domination, and thus killing makes them feel powerful and in control. Anyone they feel to be threating to them is killed as they assert dominance. Although some seek sexual gratification as per Adrian’s character in the movie, “The Crush.” You might be asking yourself just like me, what in the world is wrong with these individuals and how did they become monsters?
What do you consider a deviant child? A child who engages in behavior that is outside of societal norms or expectations, ranging from minor rule-breaking to more serious acts of disobedience or aggression. Deviant behavior in children is often seen as a sign of underlying issues such as emotional or behavioral problems, family dysfunction, and in some cases none of this applies, they simply have a desire for power and domination. It seems unfathomable for a parent to consider their child as an enemy because parents typically have a strong instinct to protect and care for their children especially since the relationship is often based on love, compassion, and a deep bond that is difficult to break.
Think about it a child becoming an enemy goes against the natural order of the parent-child dynamic and challenges our understanding of familial relationships. It is also hard to think of someone we have nurtured and raised as a source of harm or conflict, I know I was shocked when both my oldest daughter and my son started to show two different personalities over the last three years as they were influenced by my son’s father and my estranged foster family. I’ve always chose Panda Parenting style as a child reared in foster care who suffered physical, psychological, and emotional abuse and neglect. Panda parenting is a term used to describe a type of parenting style that is often associated with being gentle, nurturing, and supportive emphasizing the importance of creating a warm and loving environment for children, while also teaching them important life skills such as resilience and independence. The term is inspired by the gentle and nurturing nature of pandas, known for being attentive and caring parents to their cubs. Panda parenting encourages parents to be present and involved in their children's lives, while also giving them space to explore and learn on their own.
So, how do children become toxic, karmic, or deviant? There are several factors that can contribute to a child becoming deviant, including:
1. Family influences: A child may become deviant if they are raised in a dysfunctional or abusive family environment, where they are not provided with appropriate discipline, guidance, and support.
2. Peer influences: The influence of peers can also play a role in a child becoming deviant. If a child is surrounded by peers who engage in delinquent behavior, they may be more likely to follow suit.
3. Social and economic factors: Children from low-income families or disadvantaged communities may be more likely to engage in deviant behavior as a means of coping with their circumstances.
4. School influences: The school environment can also have an impact on a child's likelihood of becoming deviant. Factors such as school violence, bullying, and lack of academic success can contribute to deviant behavior.
5. Psychological factors: Some children may be more prone to deviant behavior due to underlying psychological issues, such as impulsivity, aggression, or low self-esteem.
6. Media influences: Exposure to violence, drugs, and other risky behaviors in the media can also contribute to a child's likelihood of becoming deviant.
It is important to note that becoming deviant is a complex process and can be influenced by a combination of these factors. It is essential for parents, educators, and other caregivers to provide a supportive and nurturing environment for children to reduce the likelihood of them engaging in deviant behavior. However, there are several approaches that parents can take when dealing with deviant behavior in their children. Some strategies include open and honest communication with the child about their behavior and why it is unacceptable. Listen to the child's perspective and try to understand the underlying reasons for their actions. Set clear and consistent rules/ boundaries for behavior and enforce consequences when these rules are broken which is something I admit I didn’t do. I always believed your children should respect you, not fear you, we’re not in slavery and beating them is a heathens passed down behavior from slavery. However clear expectations for their behavior and the consequences of deviant actions should be made clear. Provide positive reinforcement for good behavior and praise the child when they make positive choices. Seeking professional help if necessary. If a child's deviant behavior is persistent or severe, parents may need to seek the help of a therapist, counselor, or other mental health professional to address underlying issues and develop a plan for managing the behavior. Staying involved as tiring and draining as it gets to remain engaged in the child's life. Quality time with their children and interest in their activities, providing support and guidance as they navigate challenges and make decisions is also important but there’s also a dark side.
As a foster child it never crossed my mind to be a deviant child, not raised in safe, loving, respectful, and consistent environments tend to grow up feeling very unsafe and untrusting,” however I made the cognitive choice to be loving and empathetic because I just don’t have it in my heart to be anything less. As a result, for some children, they tend to experience challenges trusting themselves and others throughout life and choose to become dark. Dealing with a toxic child can turn judicial in some cases presenting risks and challenges, like, disruptive behavior such as outbursts, defiance, or disrespect towards authority figures. Becoming uncooperative and resistant. Manipulative towards others, including friends, family, strangers, judges, lawyers, and court-appointed professionals, to avoid consequences or to get their way. Escalating conflict and tension between the child and other parties involved, including family members, guardians, or professionals. Underlying mental health issues, such as personality disorders, conduct disorders, or trauma, which may require specialized interventions and treatment. Involvement in criminal activities or misconduct, harmful behavior, and self-harm.
Overall, it is important to approach toxic children with caution, sensitivity, and a focus on promoting accountability, rehabilitation, and positive outcomes for the child and others involved. Ultimately, it is important for parents to approach the situation with empathy, understanding, and a willingness to help their child address and overcome their deviant behavior. Every child is different, so it may take some trial and error to find the most effective strategies for managing and correcting deviant behavior. From a spiritual standpoint, some religious beliefs about deviant children include the belief that all humans are born sinful and deviant, and that children need salvation and redemption. With a six-year-old shooting students and staff in an incident in Virginia in 2023, at what age are children held accountable judicially? In religions such as Hinduism and Buddhism, there is a belief in karma, which holds that a person's actions in past lives will determine their fate in this life. Deviant behavior in children may be seen as the result of negative karma from a past life. There are those who believe you can heal problematic children through the power of prayer and that some children may even be under the influence of evil spirits.
It is important to note that these beliefs can vary widely among different religious traditions and individual believers. It is also important to consider the potential negative effects of spoiling children as well. In short sometimes distance and no communication can be the solution to accepting deviant children and living your life. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t practice understanding, patience, and unconditional love it just provides boundaries and solitude for both parties while figuring out the future. It is important to communicate openly with your child, listen to their perspective, and try to understand the reasons behind their behavior, in some cases asking the difficult questions since children tend to hide things including abuse. Seeking therapy or support groups can also be beneficial in gaining insight and developing coping strategies but also as mothers I believe we know the child’s essence and not who they present before us. It is important to set boundaries and consequences for inappropriate behavior while still showing support and encouragement.
Ultimately, accepting and embracing your child for who they are is essential in fostering a positive and healthy relationship. Cut out all negatively influential parties, take care of yourself and seeking support for your own well-being to help you navigate the challenges of parenting a deviant child. Lastly, parents should not take deviant behavior from their children personally because it is not a reflection of their parenting or personal worth. Deviant behavior can be caused by a variety of factors, including genetics, environment, peer influence, and mental health issues. Taking deviant behavior personally can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, and inadequacy, which can hinder the parent-child relationship and make it more difficult to address the underlying issues. Since I’ve been forced to accept that my children’s innocence and peace filled happy bond we shared as a memory I leave you with this, “There is no handbook for parenting”, “No child is reared unscathed” and “Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.” Set the example, that’s enough to shatter all lies and render one honorable in God’s sight.
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